Hey
Today at church, we sang the song "When I see the Blood". The song made me think of you. I know you are supposed to think of Jesus dying on the cross during those kinds of songs but I thought of you. I remembered that time when I was little and you had cut yourself with the little knife while working on improving our house. I remember coming into your bedroom and asking you if you needed a band-aid because I saw that you were bleeding. You said no but thanks. Then we drove you to the hospital. You needed stitches. I haven't thought about that incident for many years. But today, I think I know the significance or at least a little piece of it, but then I remember the dream I had about you. I told you about it. We were going to a speech by President Obama. We were waiting for it to start. The president walked up to the front and said before we start I would like to pray. I thought this was odd, as did you, because you made some sarcastic comment about it. But, when he started praying you felt inclined to stand up. I was watching you, but then you fell. I was first to you and I yelled at someone to get a defibrillator because I was sure that you had a heart attack. Then I started doing CPR, because I knew how. Then I woke up. These stories have something in common. Me and you, needing help.
You are proud and don't like to ask for help. You like to deal. You like to be in control. When you cut your finger, you had to get help, but not from a worried little girl, but from a professional because the wound was too deep for her band-aid to fix. When, in my dream, you fell, it was me that was there to save you, not so little anymore, but grown and almost gone. I can't save you, nor do I want to. It's not my job, but I know who can. I know that you know HIM, and I know that you know this. It's been on my heart for years and years. You have to let HIM have you. You have to let HIM stitch you up and breathe life into you.
But these stories aren't about you, they are about me and how I feel about you. I need to take the same advice. I need to let The Professional have you. I don't want to have to worry that every time I get a call that something is wrong with you or something happened to you. I don't want that burden, but right now I have it, because every time I get a call from your direction, I worry that it's because of you. I love you so much; more than I show, and more than you probably know. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be there when I am living my life, as I grow older.You are the one person that I want to make proud. Everything I do, I know I can do better. I don't want to ever disappoint you, but for some reason, I always feel I do. Even when you look proud, there is doubt. It could be because I have failed in something that we have been working on for many, many years and now I have just given up (sort of) or because right now it looks like I have no prospects for when I am done with school or maybe it's because I am so much like you and you don't want the same life for me as the one you had, jumping around from job to job. I don't know but whatever it is. I feel like I have failed you and you can't be proud of me or accept me for who I am and what I do and that cuts me like a knife. It cuts me deeper than stitches can fix. I can't admit this to your face because I am scared that you will get angry or cry or a combination of the two. If I tell you this, I think I would be even more of a disappointment to you, because I should know that you are always proud of me and that you love me. I know that, I do. I just don't feel it and it's holding me back. You want to know why I don't talk to you why I don't come to you with things, it's because I don't think that you can give me what I need. God knows I want that. I want to be able to talk to you like I do with friends. I want to tell you things that I am happy about and that I am sad about because I know that you will take an interest and be happy or sad for me and not try and fix everything. That's not what I need. I have faith that things will get taken care of, what I need to know is that you love me and can be happy for what is going on in my life whether you approve of it or not.
I don't know if you will ever see this or read it, but right now before me and God. I am coming clean on "paper" of I want from you and I am giving it away. I'm giving it to my FATHER. It's hard for me to see HIS love sometimes, but I know it's there and I know that HE will love me for who I am. HE will never stop. I know it's unfair for me to compare you to GOD, but HE has it right. I love you. I love you. I love you. I want you to know that. Always and forever.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Yours
Today at church, we sang the song "When I see the Blood". The song made me think of you. I know you are supposed to think of Jesus dying on the cross during those kinds of songs but I thought of you. I remembered that time when I was little and you had cut yourself with the little knife while working on improving our house. I remember coming into your bedroom and asking you if you needed a band-aid because I saw that you were bleeding. You said no but thanks. Then we drove you to the hospital. You needed stitches. I haven't thought about that incident for many years. But today, I think I know the significance or at least a little piece of it, but then I remember the dream I had about you. I told you about it. We were going to a speech by President Obama. We were waiting for it to start. The president walked up to the front and said before we start I would like to pray. I thought this was odd, as did you, because you made some sarcastic comment about it. But, when he started praying you felt inclined to stand up. I was watching you, but then you fell. I was first to you and I yelled at someone to get a defibrillator because I was sure that you had a heart attack. Then I started doing CPR, because I knew how. Then I woke up. These stories have something in common. Me and you, needing help.
You are proud and don't like to ask for help. You like to deal. You like to be in control. When you cut your finger, you had to get help, but not from a worried little girl, but from a professional because the wound was too deep for her band-aid to fix. When, in my dream, you fell, it was me that was there to save you, not so little anymore, but grown and almost gone. I can't save you, nor do I want to. It's not my job, but I know who can. I know that you know HIM, and I know that you know this. It's been on my heart for years and years. You have to let HIM have you. You have to let HIM stitch you up and breathe life into you.
But these stories aren't about you, they are about me and how I feel about you. I need to take the same advice. I need to let The Professional have you. I don't want to have to worry that every time I get a call that something is wrong with you or something happened to you. I don't want that burden, but right now I have it, because every time I get a call from your direction, I worry that it's because of you. I love you so much; more than I show, and more than you probably know. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be there when I am living my life, as I grow older.You are the one person that I want to make proud. Everything I do, I know I can do better. I don't want to ever disappoint you, but for some reason, I always feel I do. Even when you look proud, there is doubt. It could be because I have failed in something that we have been working on for many, many years and now I have just given up (sort of) or because right now it looks like I have no prospects for when I am done with school or maybe it's because I am so much like you and you don't want the same life for me as the one you had, jumping around from job to job. I don't know but whatever it is. I feel like I have failed you and you can't be proud of me or accept me for who I am and what I do and that cuts me like a knife. It cuts me deeper than stitches can fix. I can't admit this to your face because I am scared that you will get angry or cry or a combination of the two. If I tell you this, I think I would be even more of a disappointment to you, because I should know that you are always proud of me and that you love me. I know that, I do. I just don't feel it and it's holding me back. You want to know why I don't talk to you why I don't come to you with things, it's because I don't think that you can give me what I need. God knows I want that. I want to be able to talk to you like I do with friends. I want to tell you things that I am happy about and that I am sad about because I know that you will take an interest and be happy or sad for me and not try and fix everything. That's not what I need. I have faith that things will get taken care of, what I need to know is that you love me and can be happy for what is going on in my life whether you approve of it or not.
I don't know if you will ever see this or read it, but right now before me and God. I am coming clean on "paper" of I want from you and I am giving it away. I'm giving it to my FATHER. It's hard for me to see HIS love sometimes, but I know it's there and I know that HE will love me for who I am. HE will never stop. I know it's unfair for me to compare you to GOD, but HE has it right. I love you. I love you. I love you. I want you to know that. Always and forever.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Yours
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