2013 is a New Year

Hey Friends

Blogging has not been a high priority for me in 2012. That's ok though because a number of awesome things happened in 2012. I worked in fast food (freaky fast apparently). I worked in New York over the summer. I met a lot of new friends there. I tried new things like KPOP and Leadership Training through my church. I also worked at a camp in Reading, MI, when I got home. I loved that experience!I worked with kids and did a lot of outdoor adventures. I got new music and listened to more country and even some dubstep. Thanksgiving and Christmas were wonderful holidays. New Year's Eve was sad but that's alright. 2013 is going to be great! In 2012, I also met the Doctor, helped Shawn and Gus solve all the crimes, and Ted finally told Robin that it would never work. Phineas and Ferb are still doing their thing.

What I'll miss from 2012- absolutely nothing. 2012 though had some good spots was one of the worst years of my life. I felt so alone and scared and helpless.

2013 is the year I abandon fear. I walk high in the skies. I have fun! I work because I want to and not because I have to. 2013 is the year I step out of my shell and live. This is the year that my alter ego and I finally become one. She will become me and I will become her. It will be Peyton no more. Just me, Kali. This is the year of the Eagle. I will fly and no fear will let my feet falter. I will use my knowledge and intelligence to become someone even greater.

Thank you to all the people that helped me get to 2013. I will never be the same.

Love Forever

Kali

Confidence

confidence

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance

3. certitude; assurance

Dearest Reader
If you know me, you might not understand what I am going to say because it completely goes against my attitude and personality. I hide behind a mask; I am ashamed. I have a life to be proud of and family and friends that love me. I have the best job in the world. It is close to the perfect job. Still I have secret shames. Today, it is my confidence in myself; especially in how I look. I have struggled with how I look since I was little. It's not that I am not an active person. I love playing sports, being outside, and having fun! I just can't seem to have the body that I want and I feel would be healthy for me. I have bad knees. I have to protect them. I am only 23. I have to live with my body for the rest of my life and I want to take care of it. I just don't really know how. I don't really have time to cook for myself. I work at a YMCA camp. Meals are prepared almost every day. I eat with the kids. Also, I really don't have time for work outs either. I am working from 7:45am to 9:30pm most nights. The nights I don't work, I am resting, so that I am prepared for the next day. I don't know what to do. This has been a constant struggle. I don't know where to start. If you can help me, let me know and maybe we can work together!
Thanks for listening
Kalio

A Silver Summer

Hey Friends!
It has been so long since I made a new post! I just wanted you all to know what I am doing this summer!
I am working at Silver Bay YMCA of the Adirondacks! I am super excited for this opportunity because it can lead to so many more in the future! Also here I am working the Great Commission Ministries Leadership Training. This is going to be a great experience for me.
My job at camp isn't one that I would have chosen for myself but it was probably the best I could get for applying so late. I am working in the dining hall and in the kitchens. Unfortunately there isn't any cell phone coverage out here so I can't make any phone calls. If you want to get a hold of me quickly, the best way would probably be Facebook but even then, I'll be on a couple times a day.

Please pray for me while I am here! I am fighting off swimmer's ear as I write, actually. So pray for my safety and that I have a good time.
I love you all and I'll try and post more as the summer progresses! Love you!
Kali

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect

I work at my church on Wednesday nights. There is a 9 year old little girl that struggles with perfection. I know this girls family pretty well. She has awesome parents and two older sisters. She has no reason what so ever to feel pressure to be perfect. Yet, there are things that people do and say that puts her under that pressure. At 9 years old.

I know how she feels. I also feel the need to be, not necessarily perfect, but better than I am. There are expectations I have for myself that I feel others have put on me. I know that the expectations are not "real". I mean "real" in that the people I feel the pressure from do not have these expectations of me. They have not said it or demanded it. They are invisible. Yet, the "unreal" power of the unsaid expectations is enormous. When kids are under such pressure to perform well, it causes stress and insecurity. At a young age, I felt pressured to do well in school, to preform well in sports and to be skinny. The first 2 aren't bad things. All parents want their kids to excel. It was the last one that really got me bad. By the age of 12, I was having stomach issues and my doctor diagnosed it as an ulcer. At 12.

I also have two siblings. My brother is awesome! In high school, he played football, wrestling and lacrosse. He also was part of civil air patrol and national honor society. He also had a pretty high GPA. My brother is also really funny and very social. Because he was older, I looked up to him and strived to do as well as he did. My sister is also awesome! She did better even than my brother in high school. Though she wasn't involved with sports, my sister was very active in NHS, volunteering and keeping track of funds as treasurer. My sister is also very animated and gets along with everyone. Plus she is also very pretty and smaller than me. Even though she is younger than me, I still feel the pressured to look like her. Of course this pressure has died down in recent years, but I still feel it sometimes. Since then my brother has gone to university, been on the deans list, played rugby for school, graduated with a degree in geology and is now working for one of the biggest oil companies in the world. My sister has also gone to college and is getting her degree in chemistry. Both my siblings have gone into the sciences, getting their BSs.

I guess all this talking about my siblings and thinking about how stress of others successes around me has made me realize I am just jealous. I am jealous that I am not skinnier and prettier. I am jealous that I was not top of my class in hs or on the deans list in college. I am jealous that others around me have more motivation and better skills than I do. I am upset with myself because try as I might, I CAN'T BE PERFECT!!! Even looking at the facts, I don't want to be perfect. I don't want that kind of pressure. I just want to be me and not have to worry about what other people think of me. However, that can never happen. I will always have the pressure to look a certain way, to have a successful life and to do great things. What I want to be right now is a kid. I want to go back and have fun and play and not have all the responsibilities. Yet, even as a kid, there is the pressure to be perfect, like my little friend. Especially as a kid, there are the pressures of life, because what you do as a kid has enormous influence of what you do as an adult.  I just wish I could be all the things everyone wants me to be to make them happy. But, even if they are happy, does that make me happy? Maybe? But why should I worry what others want for my life? I should focus on what I want and what makes me happy. It will make me the person I want to be and the only one responsible for my life is me. For my happiness and sadness, successes and failures, rights and wrongs and everything else in between. 

Thankfully God is my Savior and I don't have to be perfect because He is. He will take care of me and He loves me just the way I am. His grace covers my life and I am so thankful.

Forever Yours
Princess Kalio

Caught Somewhere in Between

I want to be Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.
Only I don't live in Neverland.
And unlike those boys found in fairy tales, I have to grow up.
But I don't want to.

Sadly, for the most part, I have grown up. Well, according to the law anyway. Inside, I am still that kid at heart. I get excited over Disney stuff, and watching kids shows. I even like hanging out with 10 year olds at church on Wednesday nights. On the other hand, I have to grow up. I have to find a career and pay my bills. I have to move out of my parent's house. But, I still think of myself as a kid. Back in the old days, a girl of my age would probably be married and have at least 2 kids. Those girls had no choice but to grow up. I have so many options because I am not tied down like that. Yet, I feel pressured to get tied down with a job. I want to be free to do what I want and to have fun. I want to travel and see the world. To do that, you need $$$$- something I don't have because I don't have a job that pays me enough to cover my bills.

 I want to be a kid. I don't want the responsibility. But you know what would be fun? Having someone to share the fun with. Being at home I feel all alone. Having someone who understands where I am coming from to hang out with all day and to doing random stuff and get enjoyment out of life together. That would be fun. I miss my friends the most. Being surrounded by love and living in a place where people actually flock to... nothing is better than that. Someday I will find the perfect community to live and grow in and the perfect person to share it with. Until then, "I'm just sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away"

<3 <3 <3 Forever
Wendy Mora Angela Darling- The girl that grew up
(Kaleidoscope)

Speaking With No Voice

Oooie Gooie was a worm. A gooy worm was he. He climbed up on the railroad tracks; the train he did not see.
OOOIE GOOIE!!!!


All this week my voice has been gone. I have been sick. I have a sore throat and a cold. Also on Wednesday I had an achy body. Just so you know. However, it gives a spectacular insight into God's mystery. When I read the Bible, I always give each person a voice in my head. It just makes things easier and keeps the people from meshing together. God is strange in that His voice changes depending on the circumstance. For example when God said "Let there be light'" I always hear Him say it like strongly but not like "hallelujah" strong. It has a James Earl Jones sound to it. When God is speaking to Abraham about the stars and his descendants the voice is softer and lyrical, but not actually singing... more like... poetry. When God speaks to Moses out of the burning bush, it's more mysterious and intriguing almost coaxing. However, Jesus is different. He speaks to everyone like a parent. He loves them like they are His children- amused, angry (only when necessary), patient, disappointed, and most importantly loving etc.

Today God speaks to us in different ways. He usually doesn't come right out and speak with us like He did in the Bible, at least not always. But wouldn't be freaking awesome (what?!). He's more subtle. When I was 16 or 17, I was at church camp and we were having worship and prayer and God was moving. As I was praying, the idea popped into my head from no where (seemingly) I was not thinking of anything of the sort at the time, but God told me that I was going to help people. Now as a 16 year old, there isn't much I can do with that and helping people is so very vague. At that time, I was planning on going into teaching. I really thought that was where God was going to place me. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I still have a passion for kids and for helping those in need, I just don't know when I am going to plant some roots.

Speaking with no voice is a reminder that God's voice is everywhere. All around you and me and He is constantly reminding us and telling us what is good and right and pure and worthy. We just have to take time and listen. This fast was for me to take the time to find God's voice. I found it (it was never really lost). I just had to take the time to listen for it. It told me a lot of true and meaningful things about my life, like things I need to focus on and things I need to quit. God is the ultimate teacher. He can show us things beyond our wildest dreams. All we have to do is listen and understand what He is saying (understanding is probably the harder part). We just have to have faith that God is going to do what He promises to us. He is telling us all the time- "I will never leave or forsake you" and He loved that world sooooo much that He gave His son to die for us. Did you understand that? He loves us. He loves you and me and that weird neighbor that borrows your newspaper a little too often. He loves us so much that He gave His [SON]. Humans, think about that. Could you as a parent (if you are one or ever see yourself as one) sacrifice you child to save the world? Our world- where murderers, rapists, embezzlers, liars, thieves, drunks, cheaters, and whatever other sick things we do here live. Would you give your child for that?  No person in their right mind would. But God did. He did. He gave His son, so that we could live forever with Him. That is a lot of love. He gave it for you.That is the loudest action of love ever. Speaking with no words. Just Love. God is Love.

Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. If it costs all you have gain understanding. Proverbs 4:7
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only song that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Kaleidoscope

ka·lei·do·scope [kuh-lahy-duh-skohp]

noun

1. an optical instrument in which bits of glass, held loosely at the end of a rotating tube, are shown in continually changing symmetrical forms by reflection in two or more mirrors set at angles to each other.

2. a continually changing pattern of shapes and colors.

3. a continually shifting pattern, scene, or the like: The 1920s were a kaleidoscope of fads and fashions.

From Dictionary.com

 

I like definition number 2. If you replace the title with the definition, it would be "My Life as [a continually changing patter of shapes and colors]. Whoa. Def makes my life more interesting. I bet your are toast jelly!! But in actuality, it's more like definition number 3. 

 

I have been told I see things in a different way than some people. I have always grown up associating and affiliating with things that related to me. Hence kaleidoscopes and LaDainian Tomlinson is secretly my cousin. I associate colors to words and books. I have a fabulous memory (no really, not joking or tooting my own horn. It's true. Well maybe fabulous is taking it too far. What about really good? That works better) Correction: a really good memory. So I can take things and combine them all together to make something completely new in my mind. I have always secretly wondered if I am attention deficit at all. It would explain a lot, especially the yarn and why I never liked school. I like shiny things, and brightly colored stuff. I am a fly attracted to the lights. I can wander through life and make the mist random references to things. Sometimes people get them but most of the time people think I am out in left field and just got hit in the head by a fly ball. Outrageous. <3 Nicole- I love being cryptic!!!

Wandering in the wake of the world. Wondering which way I should go. When will the bird sing and when will the wind blow. I wonder what life I would have if you had stayed. Would it be the same?

Forever Yours

Lady Kaleidoscope